"Without a listener, is there even a story?
Inclusion through storytelling
Listening to stories is a way of broadening your understanding of the rich tapestry of human experience. It is the principle behind the Human Library, and the intention behind our own ‘Unjudged‘ series of events.
But is a story really a story if it goes unheard?
Why listen?
Listening is widely acknowledged as an important leadership skill. BetterUp state that “Effective listening gives you knowledge and perspectives that increase your leadership capacity. And Harvard Business Review explains that “Listening is an overlooked tool that creates an environment of safety when done well”.
But what does it mean to listen?
In a previous life, I used to run a listening exercise as part of a coaching skills program. In pairs, we would brief one person to tell a story, and the other to listen for the facts. They would listen diligently, and at the end of the exercise be able to recall a significant amount of detail. When asked, the storyteller would say that they felt “heard”. We would then rerun the exercise, with the listener briefed to listen for emotions. They would listen diligently, and as the exercise progressed you would see the pairs leaning in, you would hear the volume in the room increase, and you would feel the energy rise. At the end, the storyteller would say that they felt “understood”.
Listening to understand
If you want to do more than simply hear a story, if you want to truly lean in and understand, then you need to listen for the emotions. Here is a very simple way to do that:
Mirroring
Firstly, start by mirroring. Mirroring is about reflecting back the fullness of someone else’s story so that they can experience it themselves. It requires openness and compassion. You may have to hold strong emotions without flinching or making assumptions. Mirroring involves focusing on the words, not on the impact they are having on you.
Use simple phrases like “I heard you say” or “If I’m hearing you correctly, you said”. And invite a deeper connection by asking “Is there more?”. Keep going until the storyteller feels as though you have heard their whole story clearly.
Validating
Once you have heard the whole story, the next step is to validate. Validating is about acknowledging the storyteller’s perspective. Whether you agree with it or not, it is about affirming their truth by trying to see the world through their eyes.
Challenge yourself to speak truthfully when you use a phrase like “I can see what you mean” or “I get your point of view”.
Empathising
Lastly, once you have acknowledged their perspective, the last step is to empathise. Empathising is about taking a moment to connect with the emotions of the story. It is easy if you have had a similar experience and can speak from the heart. It is more difficult if you have no point of connection to their story. Then you will have to really stretch yourself to step into their perspective and imagine how it might feel.
Use a phrase like “I can imagine that you felt” or “That must make you feel” and focus on finding a single word to describe the feeling. Phrases are more often thoughts. You might find this list of feeling words helpful.
Uncomfortable as it may be, it is easy to get empathy wrong. You might say “I can imagine that you felt anxious about that”, and the storyteller might correct you and say that they felt “a bit nervous, but also excited”. It is ok to get it wrong. Even attempting empathy invites a deeper connection and honours the story that you have been told.
Listening for the story
Listening deeply and with the intent to understand in this way, enables you to receive and embrace someone else’s story. It opens your eyes not just to the facts of someone else’s story, but also to their experience of the world.
