Which of you reading this article would say you enjoy conflict? The chance is most of us would say ‘no thanks!’ to conflict situations, whether at work or in our home life. Some of us try to ignore conflict and bury our head in the sand (and as a result it often escalates). Or around two-thirds of us would prefer to walk the other way and find means to avoid conflict situations altogether.
Cappuccino moments
We like to call these conflict avoidance actions ‘cappuccino moments’: every time a conflict flares up, we (metaphorically) break for coffee in the vain hope it will restore harmony.
Yet, conflict is an inevitable aspect of organisational life. We can’t agree with our peers, managers or teams all the time. After all, we know that diverse opinions positively impact organisational performance, and when approached in a constructive manner, conflict can help employees to feel more connected to others at work. To perform as leaders, we need to disagree or challenge decisions we make as a team, the opinions our colleagues hold or the strategies our Board members determine.
Contrary to popular wisdom and behavior, conflict is not a bad thing for a team. In fact, the fear of conflict is almost always a sign of problems. (Patrick Lencioni)
So why do we so often duck, dive, and try to avoid conflict?
We avoid conflict because it feels uncomfortable
Whenever we enter into a conversation with one or more person, there’s the potential for conflict to happen. We say we are in conflict with another person when we each hold a different set of beliefs or needs or facts in a specific situation. It’s a state of disharmony, where opposing principles or ideas may or may not lead us to an active disagreement.
It’s emotional. Conflict is hard.
If you were to pause right now and jot down a few words you associate with conflict.
My list would include words such as frustrated, angry, and hostile. I struggle to associate conflict with words such as playfulness, freedom, or excitement.
Take a look at your words. What do you notice? Chances are they’re words that you’d attach the label ‘negative’ to.
Most of the words we associate with conflict are uncomfortable to experience. I certainly don’t like to experience frustration too much. Anger is an emotion I’ve been told not to feel (or display) as a woman in business. And hostile feels threatening and a little unsafe.
In simple terms, conflict is uncomfortable. That’s why we have those ‘cappuccino moments.’ But ethnographer Professor Marc de Rond explains that we should not confuse what things feel like with what they are really like. What feels dysfunctional could in reality be perfectly effective. De Rond is clear that any conflict will feel uncomfortable. Even so called ‘healthy’ conflict, where we purposefully build trust and co-operation between individuals, is uncomfortable.
Remember that any conflict feels awkward — “healthy” conflict feels no less uncomfortable for being “healthy.” (Mark de Rond)
Our mind gets hooked by conflict
So why do we avoid conflict? In the uncomfortableness of conflict, we take a ‘cappuccino moment’ because we are all caught up in our minds. Whether it is:
- “I am no good at this type of thing, I’ll let someone else handle the issue.” or
- “I hate anger, so I am going to avoid this situation…” or
- “It didn’t go well last time, so it’s going to be the same this time…”
You can fill in your own version of these thoughts here, but psychologists typically find the mind will hook us in one (or more) of six ways:
PAST
Getting hooked by the past in a conflict includes dwelling on painful memories, going over old hurts and mistakes, ruminating, and blaming oneself or others.
FUTURE
When we are hooked by the future we might worry, catastrophise, and predict the worst in the conflict.
SELF
In conflict situations we often get hooked by either a negative self-concept: I’m not good enough, I’m hopeless, I’m to blame, I’m no one; Or by a positive self-concept, which gives rise to arrogance, overconfidence, or a sense of superiority or entitlement.
JUDGMENTS
We may get hooked by judgments about the conflict such as: it sucks, it’s pointless, it’s unsafe, you can’t trust people, or my feelings are a sign there’s something wrong with me.
RULES
Amid conflict, when we get caught up in rules (like “should,” “have to,” “must,” “need,” “ought,” “won’t until”) our behaviour can become inflexible and rigid. For example, “I must handle the conflict perfectly—and if I can’t, there’s no point in doing it,”
REASONS
We come up with reasons why we (or others) can’t engage in healthy conflict: I can’t do it, it’s too hard, I don’t have the time, I don’t have the energy, it’ll go wrong, I’ve tried before, and I always fail.
Avoiding conflict is the problem
The problem, of course, is not that our mind hooks us in a myriad of diverse ways when we lean into difficult and conflictual conversations. That’s what minds do!
It is when we let our mind (and all the thoughts, feelings, memories, emotions and urges that go with them) pull us into self-defeating patterns of behaviour. When our mind dictates whether we lean into difficult conversations, whether we speak up, or if we bury our head in the sand and hope a situation diffuses of its own accord.
Always taking the ‘cappuccino moment’ when conflict comes up – that’s the problem.
Handling conflict
The antidote to a default pattern of taking those ‘cappuccino moments’, is to notice and name what our mind is saying when a conflict arises. This gives us space to act differently and handle conflict in the way we want to.
So next time there’s a conflict on the horizon at work, try noticing and naming your thoughts:
- ‘I’m noticing JUDGMENTS,’
- ‘Here’s my mind hooking me with the PAST’
- ‘Aha! REASON-GIVING!’
- ‘I’m having thoughts about the FUTURE’
- ‘Here’s another SELF story’
You then have the space to choose.
Do I let my mind push me around and dictate that I bail out, lose contact with the present moment and disengage from the conversation?
Or do I notice and name what my mind is telling me, take a deep breath, stay present in the conversation and act in a way that is true to me. And when that’s done, go an enjoy a well-earned cappuccino.
If you want to learn to handle conflict in a more effective and healthy way, check out our Handling Conflict workshop.
To enrol: https://becoming.thinkific.com/enroll/2833007?price_id=3669239
